"big brother is a huge wall that block the path of the younger brother which is about to leap over" (-uchiha itachi-, Naruto, kishimoto masashi)
"you know why the big brother had always been born first? because it's meant to protect younger who'd be born after" (-kurosaki ichigo-, bleach, kubo tite)
my destiny had beed decided ever since i was named as i am, Gilang Vernando, the last-name part, but the complicated thing is way before that. it's when my old brother got a different name, he was gifted by our family name, khaira. see the glitch?
i was and am raised by the shadow of my old bro; he was always too many steps further like: he is the batman, i'm the robin; he's ironman, i'm rhody; jack sparrow-william turner; him-me...
he is like 2 and half years older, begun his tuition 2 years before me. the time he entered elementary and qur'an-learning class, everything seems just fine; he reviewed what he learned at home, i tried to catch up and learn it together with him which made me enable to read alphabetic and arabic in such a young age, everything went just fine, yeah. he got #1 rank at the very first year and constantly keep his grade until graduation. o yeah, he got a bike as the present for his rank.
Time for me to hit the school, but sadly enough, i can't hit the #1 rank for a very long period due my bad behaviours and my unreadable handwriting. finally, at first one third year of my third year, i got it, my first #1 rank. i was so glad that i laughed to tears and ran home hastily. unfortunately, that's the first nigtmare i had to begin with, my brother also got his 13th #1 rank, which made that NOTHING special about getting a #1 rank. i got some praise and THAT'S IT, all of it; nobody seemed to understand me, i also want a #1 rank present like my brother got, my very own #1 rank present :(. And just like the bad people says "the nightmare just begun"; my brother put salt on my wounds by saying, "very good, brother. you can have my (4 years old) bike as a reward". WHAT THE FUCK!!!.
2 years later, my brother graduated from the elementary school, outstandingly, of course; which was made him enable to enter the best junior school in town, praised by every one. and also 2 years later, i was also graduated and miraculously enter the same junior school; my brother was on his third year by the way and he already ROLED. i still barely remember when my indonesian literature teacher mrs. Ipsal Yulmiati said "why didn't you study seriously and get a better grade, seriously you are far different from your brother". her words carved deeply into my heart; where did i go wrong? i tried my best; I AM NOT MY BROTHER. few month later, my brother graduated as best student and enter the best high school in province, in big city which was made him rewarded with a game spec personal computer set. he is just too much for me to catch up, i know that even in my best fantasies daydream i won't enable to enter that high school, just the best of among all the junior schooler of entire province can enter. it's the time when my rebellions started.
on my 2nd year, i always went home late, i spent time all days all weeks at the game center nearby my school and even on my 3rd year, i ditch most of my supplementary lesson and went there, releasing my stress came first, then its just become a habit. i barely passed the final exam but fail to gain enough grade to go to the same high school as my brother, so i enter a high scool at the same town as my junior school but far enough from that game center which made me kick the habit, besides it's not a playground for a high schooler.
the situation calmed a bit since my brother and i are in the different city, i had a momentary peace to adapt on my own world, i start my social life, behaving my self better, and noticing some girls around. i join an informatic science olymphiads club since so letting the students use internet freely :D.
when the yearly science olymphiads started, i was sent with five others for the informatics subject competitors of my high school, competing with other schools in the city and my own comrades also. there comes a big avalache from the heaven, i hit the champion. well. it's not that great so i didn't even bother to tell my parents although somehow they know eavesdropping from somewhere. dad said " you won a competition? that's great"; mom said "yeah, he should have won, there wont be so many competitor in such this small town". i made a great decision not to tell them. its my first year,by the way, and my brother didn't make it in his city since he has so so many "competitors", but i keep meself happy, thou.
At the beginning of my second year, all of the hell break through; my brother graduated from his high school and accepted throuh a passing test in the best institution of this country, which made him one of the best students of this nations. i've lost all of my hopes and don't care of beating him anymore. Logically, it's impossible, just impossible, so i kept on doing my activities; here comes the yearly science olymphiads.
Right before the day of competition, i approached my father to make a deal that if i could win it, again, i want him to buy me a mobile phone since i have none (my bro had one during high school since he is in a different town), and he agreed, we had a deal. i won, voia, i just had me a mobile, tralalalala. several weeks later, i got my parent a letter from the ministry of education of the city goverment, an invitation to claim MY reward money. my mom made it. later on, at home, i straighly claim my money to mom but se decline,"you got your phone, didn't you" "but it's my money" "it's for your tuition later" "but.." "honey, we are insulficient of fund right now for your brother tuition"
one year and several months later i graduated, its time to decide the univercity to attend. out of nowhere, i decided to go to the same institute as my brother, i told my folks. dad:"are you sure? can you do it? then go for it", bro:"petroleum and mining engineering? are you insane? that's the hardest one to reach around here" mom:"if it's about to be together with your brother, just forget it, it's too hard FOR YOU to get", me:" i want it and i known what i want". it's a lie, i dont give a damn shit about #1 institution in nation or graduate and working in a petroleum or mining company and be rich or the petroleum and mining itself. the only thing i had interest is in informatic and computer thingy, it has nothing to do with mining and petroleum. by going there, it'ld mean that i abandon my friedns, my hometown since its thousands miles far away.
but i chose it because its without a doubt a better one than my brother had and besides every girls though that this one is too cool to enter.
i passed the test.
i have no longer interest, i already had my greatest ambition and graduating from here is not one of them. i rarely attend class and of course i fail to pass several subject. mom:"you shall not fail like that, you should learn from your brother's failure and not make the same mistake". yeah, he was also fail some subject like i was but WHAT IS THE FUCK THAT MADE HIM HAVE THE RIGHT TO FAIL BUT NOT ME?????
today, july 28th 2011,i just got a phone call from mom which told me not to go home this lebaran holiday ( i haven't home for the last two lebaran holiday which will make this is the third). i asked why, why? because i should not go home without my brother (FYI, the last 2 lebaran holiday my brother went home without me), and why wont my brother home? because he'll have a trip to jogja with his friends. as hard as i can on summing this is the fact that i am not allowed to go home because my brother had a trip to jogja.
it's not like they dont love me, they did, pretty much. it's just like sometimes, the things goes unfair, didn't anyone tell you that life is unfair?, well, it is. it's not like i hate them, i never have them, will never ever. it's just the way it is.
